Loneliness lingers

Loneliness is gonna be filled by something. It’s a simple truth. The scriptures say blessed are those who hunger and thirst… for righteousness.  Loneliness is both a hunger and a thirst. It is an ache that pierces the soul.  I feel it’s dull pain daily. The stabbing pain, the shock of losing Jean, well …. it’s rare these days. But… loneliness. It lingers.  

Filling the hole, the desire of my heart, sweeps me to my knees.  Knowing several widows and widowers and their hearts ache, their loneliness, has been part of the process of healing for me.  As I hear their stories and their loss… I usually stand in the fear of God… The fear that arises when I know that His job isn’t to protect me from pain or loss.  It is a common statement in the church to hear that God’s presence is enough.   I know tis true but… feeling it all the time….now that is another thing altogether.  

My neighbors car alarm went off at 12:43 a.m.  Haven’t been able to get back to sleep.  That’s when the loneliness monster leaps onto the end of the bed and seems to dig holes inside of me.  Holding on, trying to suck the vitality of the Spirit of Jesus from my veins.  

That battle, of desperate loneliness, is “the battle” for me.  Even in the last days of Jean’s life, hearing her very labored breathing in the bed beside me was like a bird singing.” Everything’s okay with the world. ”  We were together. In it together.  

All hell could break loose but we were together. 

I returned from Idaho this week.  I spent an hour Wednesday morning walking around the block with Prairie Jeanius.  Every step little Prairie took was a reminder God was with me. 

I am like Prairie, learning to walk the road of loneliness, of singleness, all over again. One small step at at time.